Monday, October 29, 2012

Peaking Through The Clouds

If there is anything I've learned about grief, it's that it messes with your mind. For some people grief spurs addictions, some people try to control everything and others feel lost or out of control. I recently blogged about my struggle with anxiety since I lost my dad. For anyone who knew me before, this is nothing I dealt with prior to losing my dad.

Anxiety is a frustrating and annoying thing to deal with, especially if you've lived 24 years of your life without it and you see how silly it really is. Since last April, when I really became affected from losing my dad, I've struggled with anxiety. This came on the coattails of my struggle with a year-long eating disorder that started the day my dad died (like I said, losing someone that close to you really messes with your mind).

However, the past week, I saw a glimpse of light. If you haven't struggled with something like anxiety, I know this probably seems silly (well it seems silly to most people I'm sure), but I spent five days completely anxiety-free. I've said since the first day I started dealing with this that it is a temporary thing; I'm 100 percent convinced. But this made me even more motivated to push through this struggle.

I'm not sure what caused these anxiety-free days, but they were the best days I've had since my dad died. I came home after work on Friday and thought to myself, "This is what life is supposed to feel like." This is the first time I've felt this way in a year and a half. For those five days, I didn't feel anxious, guilty, sad, stressed or anything. I don't know what it was about those five days, but they made me so happy and excited that at some point that will become the norm. I honestly believe this breakthrough was a result of a lot of prayer that the first few days at my new job would go smoothly (and they did).

I'm not sure why, but the anxiety was back today. It may be built up stress over things going on in my life, but it's discouraging to say the least. I am more disappointed in myself than anything. I'm better and stronger than this and I know that. But I'm excited to see what life could be like. I never thought I'd find so much contentment in every day life just being normal. I want my old normal back.

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