Sunday, September 30, 2012

Nervous Nancy

Last Thursday, Mark stayed home from work because he has been sick for the past week. I sent Mark a text message on my way to work, thinking he would respond fairly quickly. After an hour at work, I realized Mark had yet to write back to my text. I assumed he had fallen back asleep, but I sent him another quick text just checking in to see if he was alright. After yet another hour passed and I didn't have a response yet, I started to get worried. I tried to call him, but it went to voicemail.

Mark had told me that morning that the sickness has gone into his chest and it was feeling tight. When I started remembering that, in addition to the fact that he wasn't picking up his phone, my mind went into full on panic. I tried to go back to my desk and work, but I kept letting myself entertain the most horrific thoughts. After another 30 minutes had passed, I tried calling one more time (let me interject here, I was not angry he wasn't answering, I was worried... big difference). After three hours had gone by and I still hadn't heard from him, I started to think that no one takes a three hour nap and I needed to go home and check on my sick husband and make sure he was alright.

I took my lunch hour early and sped down the tollway back to our apartment. My heart was literally racing as I walked down the hallway to our front door. By this point, I was scared to death as I'd let my imagination get the best of me. As I opened the apartment door, I could hear the television and see the top of Mark's laptop close as he heard me come in. I walked straight up to him and all I could muster was a "really!?" before I started crying for no reason at all. I was so relieved Mark was alright, but so emotional from where I'd let my mind go before I got home to check on him. (Trust me, I am fully aware of how emotionally unstable this makes me look.)

Honestly, I feel like I've always been afraid of losing someone I care about. Before Mark, that translated into never letting myself really care about anyone other than my family. However, when something happens to one of the few people you are close to, it puts this reality and sense of mortality in your mind. And when you love someone as much as I love my husband, it's hard to not let this fear take over in certain situations.

Recently, I've found myself so scared that something is going to happen to someone else in my life. This is just no way to live life. Matthew 6:27 specifically asks, "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" I have to let go of this constant anxiety in my life. I so believe that everything happens for a reason, although that doesn't make it easy to stop worrying!

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