A New Normal

Last week I celebrated my 26th birthday. It was such an incredible weekend and I am still amazed at how blessed I am with amazing friends and family. However, there was certainly something missing. I've grown so accustomed to celebrating my birthday with my dad that it just seems so different now. 

Since my birthday fell on a Thursday, I went to my grief counseling class that night. In the class that night, we discussed how the grief journey has an end where life will become more normal again. But as I thought about this idea after the class, I started to wonder what normal will feel like. Nothing feels normal right now. Yes, I am newly married and insanely in love with my husband. However, every big event that happens in my life right now feels so incomplete and reminds me what (or I guess who) is missing. It's not only the big events though; there are about 20 times each day that I stop and think how incomplete my life feels right now. There was a contentment that I constantly felt before that I haven't felt the past 18 months. I miss that moment where I would sit back and feel like this is how life is supposed to be.

The leaders of my grief class have gone through their own grief and so everything they teach, they have lived. They both seem so happy and content that it gives me hope. I honestly don't know what "normal" becomes when you've lost someone that was so important to you and such a big part of your life. I really don't think you ever stop thinking how incomplete life feels without them. I know there is no way you ever stop missing them everyday. I am hoping that life becomes more normal at some point so that I can feel the contentment I want to enjoy during the first few years of my marriage. I guess it's all just a part of the grieving process. :)