When I was taking my grief class at Prestonwood they made us do an exercise one day. We had to answer a questionnaire and talk about our feelings at the time. One of the questions asked if we were angry at the situation, the person we lost or really anything I guess. I felt so confident as I boldly circled "no" and went on to the next question. And I believed that until yesterday...
You see, I'm not angry at any one. There is no single person I blame for the situation I'm in. I'm not mad at God for taking my dad from me so early. I'm not even mad at the situation necessarily. I'm just mad. And I've been notorious since the days when I would get mad at my dad for telling me to get off AIM in high school to shut down when I'm angry or upset.
I took a step back yesterday and thought about my how things have been going for me lately. I can't complain. I've got a great husband, family, friends, job, puppy, etc. On paper, things are great. But then I took a look deeper and that's when I was able to self-diagnose myself as angry and withdrawn.
I can honestly say every one of my relationships is at its most shallow state right now... and there is one common denominator in that equation: me. I listened to a podcast from Matt Chandler last weekend and he talked about how unhappy he was for the first three years of his marriage and that it wasn't until he got to the root of the problem (fixing himself) that he saw a substantial change.
So, with that being said, this is the beginning of my journey to fix myself. After all, I am the seemingly the root of the problems here (I mean that in a completely non-martyr way, I promise). I am the one only halfway trying in my friendships, relationships, marriage, etc.
Since I didn't really know where to start, I decided to go to the one place that's helped me the most in the past and that's fellowship with other people who are stronger than myself. I signed up today for a women's Bible study once a week at Prestonwood Church. I'd love for anyone who is looking for something similar to come with me! It starts next Tuesday. :)
Thanks for letting me vent! Ps- this was a tough one to hit publish on. Pss- happy 13 week birthday to Nolan. ;)