Saturday, November 17, 2012

Loose Canon

So last week was my final grief class at Prestonwood. We wrapped up our class by having Dickey's BBQ catered and spending the rest of the time visiting. I remember when I started the class, unsure if I would even stay for nine weeks, and am so thankful for the great lessons I've learned since and new friends I've made out of the class.

I definitely feel like I benefited from the class. It was great to be able to talk about my dad and what I am going through and know I'm not alone. However, I do think I still have a hard time sharing my situation. One of my biggest pet peeves is hearing people victimize themselves. You know the type. The "why did this tiny fender bender happen to me... everyone hates me!" type. But there is a difference between victimizing yourself and accepting your situation, and I don't really know if I've done the latter yet.

My life completely changed within one minute when my dad died. I've learned that when you lose a parent specifically, you feel thrust into the world with no time to prepare. You've lost that source of advise and discernment and are forced to make decisions on your own. You still have another parent and other family, of course, but everyone is dealing with their own grief and struggling to survive themselves. You are no longer a child, no matter how old you are. Life is suddenly coming at you at 100 mph and all you can do is hold on tight.

That's an overwhelming thing to think about. And I think by downplaying the situation, I have convinced myself that it's not as hard as it may seem. But the truth is that it is really hard. I've been given a miracle with my husband and I am so thankful for that. But emotionally, that doesn't make my situation less difficult. If anything, it only causes my emotions to be even more of a loose canon.

It's exhausting to be such an emotional roller coaster for so long. I'm so thankful for such an incredible support system and for faith that gets me through even the most confusing days. I see so much going on in the world around me and always remind myself that plenty of people are struggling around me. It doesn't make my situation seem easier, but at least makes me thankful for what I've got!

I didn't have a photo for this blog post, so here is a photo I took at 5:45 a.m.
when our apartment building's first alarm went off.

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