It's 2:30 a.m. and I am awake by myself watching SportsCenter. Since it seems like I am having trouble sleeping, I decided to be somewhat productive and write a blog post. I'm not typically an insomniac. There was one night a month before my wedding where I had so much on my mind I woke up at 3 a.m. and never went back to sleep. I think that may be my problem tonight; there is just too much on my mind.
Last week one of my dad's good friends passed away in his sleep unexpectedly. He had a wife and two young daughters. Last night another one of my dad's dear friends who had been battling cancer passed away, leaving behind three young girls and a wife. There is just so much on my mind lately and these two situations are on the top of everything.
I am having trouble understanding how less than two years ago, my dad was friends with these two men and now all three of their families have been left to live life without these great men. I know a lot of my posts lately have probably seemed almost depressing, but it is a season of my life and I write what's on my mind. I am happy in so many ways in my life, but there is a naive look on life that I used to have and I wish I could have it back.
Before my dad passed away, I never thought about death. Other than my grandpa, nobody close to me had ever died. I had this naive understanding that we have unlimited time to spend together and we will have years to figure out the right way to live life. However, that's certainly not the way I think anymore. I was talking to Mark about this today. I just want to always live my life under the impression that these may be our best days. I've come to find out that life is so unexpected and nothing is guaranteed. It's a hard concept for me to grasp and something that causes me a lot of anxiety.
I think about how this affects my relationships and marriage. When I reflect on my relationship with my dad, I often wonder what I would have done differently knowing what I know now. I would definitely forgive quicker. I would relax more often and enjoy the moments that seemed "boring" at the time. I would assume the best in someone and learn to trust again instead of dwelling in insecurity (that's just no way to live life). I would absolutely be less difficult and more understanding. I would spend less time on my phone. I would make less snarky comments and more encouraging ones. I would constantly say "I love you."
I regret nothing about my relationship with my dad. But looking back on what I would have done differently, it's all reflective on my actions. This is something I try to take into my marriage and all of my other relationships, whether they be family or friends. Life is too short to argue or nit-pick at people. It's dumb to hold grudges or be slow to forgive. While it's not completely in my control, I would hate to know I lived my life insecure or unhappy. We need to relax and love. The memories that reflect those actions are the only ones you remember anyway. :)