Cha-cha-changes

I debated writing this post for a while, but I’ve talked to quite a few people who are going through the same thing and if it can help just one person, it will be totally worth it. :)

One of the things I’ve struggled with a lot since my dad died is not only my physical loss, but my loss of self. I know that probably sounds melodramatic or something, but it’s true. I’ve had several people over the past (not even) two years tell me that I seem different or I’m not the way I was before my dad died, and guess what…that’s true. But trust me when I say that is not by choice.

Before my dad died, I considered myself a carefree, independent individual who rarely worried and never took life too seriously. But ever since two Aprils ago, I can’t really claim any of those attributes I used to love so much about myself.

I’ve lost so much of what made me ‘Megan’ and it’s really hard and really sad to me. Nothing in my life is the same, and that inevitably has had an affect on the person I am… at least for now. I pray a lot that I get back some of my more ‘fun-loving’ characteristics and get rid of my more uptight, always-worried, never-kicking-back ways, but that’s only something that time can bring.

Now not to sound like a downer, there's so much I've gained from my experiences too. I listen more, care more and am more considerate of other people. Sometimes when you are focused so much on what you're not anymore, it's easy to overlook what you are.

I’ve had people tell me they’re surprised I’m still having a hard time with things, but let me tell you, this is something that will affect me for my entire life. Hopefully not as much as it does right now, but it’s not even been two years and I don’t think you can put a time cap on something like grief.

I’ve had people tell me they didn’t know I thought about my dad every day still. To that, I will say my dad was the most important person in my life. I thought about him every day even when he was alive. The only difference is that now I’m reminded how different things are and what I am missing.

When my dad died, every single little thing in my life changed, whether I wanted it to or not. I know for a lot of people, it’s not easy to sit back and see someone you care about struggling to sort through things that you really can’t help with. But from the other side of that, it’s not easy to work through your emotions, while at the same time knowing you’re not the same person your friends became close to. There are a lot of people that will be tempted to jump ship at some point, but you’ve got to trust God that the people who are supposed to be in your life will be understanding and accepting of the new (hopefully temporary) you.

I’ve gotten a lot of jokes about how much I love my dog, but some days it’s just easier to hang out with someone who had no preconceived notions of who you’re not anymore and just loves you for who you are now. :)

I’m so thankful that I was blessed with a lot of really understanding friends who only want the best for me. While I know I can never repay that, I hope each and every one of them knows I am grateful and that I will be there for them in a heartbeat!