I am a spitting image of my dad. Anyone who has ever met
both of us can attest to that. From our physical appearance to our lack of
outward emotion, there is no denying the man was my father. I only saw my dad
cry twice the 25 years that I knew him. Once when he and I had to go have our
dog, Max, put to sleep, the other when we were having a conversation about
faith and God (both very different situations). In the most tragic times in
life, we both have (had?) a natural instinct to fix things, or at least make
them better. Most times, this means we don’t have the ability to comprehend the
emotional side of the situation at the time. From the night my dad passed away
for the next year, I took on the role of the fixer.
To a lot of people this probably came across as
unemotionally affected. Many people (professional grief counselors included)
told me that I needed to let myself grieve. Every time I heard this, I was more
and more confused. How do I grieve? Just because I don’t cry every day doesn’t
mean I am not going through the hardest time of my life. Besides, I am not
outward with my feelings very often (contrary to what this blog would suggest),
so other than saying “I miss my dad” every so often, I didn’t feel the need to
talk about the situation.
It’s now been 17 months since my dad died. I still don’t
know if I’ve “grieved” properly. I don’t really know how you know that. I know
for sure it’s as hard today as it was the day it happened. I have learned to
cry over the past 17 months, which I think is part of the process. I don’t
think there really is a right or wrong way to grieve. For me, I listen to my
dad’s favorite songs every day. That’s not necessarily grieving, but it makes
me feel better.
I do know I’ve had a peace about my dad since the day he
died because he was the most amazing Christian man I’ve ever known and I have
no doubt he is in a better place. I think in grieving you will definitely have
your ups and downs. There are a lot of emotional things I struggle with now
that I didn’t worry about 18 months ago. I think that’s just normal. I am
hoping it gets better with time. I know there are a lot of “thinks” and “hopes”
in this post, but that’s because I honestly have no idea. I also know a lot of
people probably think this blog post is a little too heavy or wonder why I am
writing things that are so personal, but as I said earlier, I am not very
outward with my feelings and writing is one of the most therapeutic things I
can do. It’s almost like talking to someone, you just don’t have to worry about
what they say back. ;)
Megan, the women in your family are the strongest I've ever known. You, Erin, Mrs Delane and your mom are amazing Christian women and I admire that very much. I can't imagine the feeling of losing a parent but however you deal with it is the right way for you. Keep God in your spirits and eveything will work out in the end. He is an amazing Lord and we all know that He never gives us more than we can handle.
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